Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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