just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i've created a new STD.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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