how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize