He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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