We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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