Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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