I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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