$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
