I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
