Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
