To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
