he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
