dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
