i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
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