Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
