My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
