It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
