I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
