how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
