I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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