you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
