I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
it was like his penis was on wheels.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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