Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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