Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
