in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
