Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
