Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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