I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
How external is "for external use only"?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
