And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
