I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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