Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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