Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
