Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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