You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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