i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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