Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
