You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
