I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
