I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
