my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
