I can text with my tongue
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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