I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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