your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
