fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
