I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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