my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
