the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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