is your mom at the bar?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
