I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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