I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
is wine microwaveable?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize