I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
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