We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
