if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
