You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
This is my gift to your gina
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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