I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
