i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We had sex on a dog bed..
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
