I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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