Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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