a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
