Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
