He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
