I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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