its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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