2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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